Can playing board games help us cope with failure?

Kingdomino - "I can't remember the last time I won this one" 

I have a simple rule with any board game: I am not happy until I've lost as many or more times than I have won. Losing in cooperative or competitive gaming is just as important for the enjoyment of the game as winning and a well designed game will recognise this and reward effort with entertainment, but how can losing at games help us in our daily lives?

A good board game offers challenge but with the possibility of reward within your grasp, provided your stars align and your strategy is effective.

In the times before I became invested in board gaming as a hobby the primary impression of table top games was memories of bitter losing and sore defeats. I felt that the games I had played (you know the ones, classic family board game shelf material) did nothing for my self-esteem as I was subjected to an hour plus of gradual, unrewarding loss. I had no concept of the joy and hilarity of dramatically failing at a game and how important the loss-to-win ratio is to the overall satisfaction.

What strikes me now is how this balance of loss-to-win satisfaction is reflected in real world experiences, and how regularly playing challenging table-top games might support our ability to cope with the frustrations and disappointment of loss in life. Perhaps, also, we should reconsider our relationship with what it means to lose?

Get in loser, we're going gaming

We're all losers here. It's the human condition. 

Imperfect beings cannot possibly succeed all the time, but the existence of a success-driven society (regardless of what the metric for success is, though there is no doubt that capitalistic ideas of success are less compatible of a healthy relationship with failure) constantly encourages us to avoid failure. Losing is perceived as the negative after-effects of finding your skills, abilities, or luck insufficient to support the comparison of your self to your idea of success.

Many of us develop the fear of failure as children that continues to inhibit us in our adult lives. This fear can push us to the point of exhaustion as we demand too much from ourselves, or it can make us avoid even trying if we feel that the risk of failure is too strong, which can leave us feeling demoralised or regretful.

Tiny Epic Dungeons - "Better get used to losing"

A recent study published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health into the role of perfectionism (a common form of the pressure felt in people to avoid failure) in influencing the development of psychological strengths and difficulties in children, found that "the presence of elevated levels of perfectionism was associated with psychological difficulties in children."

Self-criticism was noted as a particular psychological difficulty linked with perfectionism.

Aside from this, without failure we lose one of the most important tools we have to learn.

To reframe losing as an opportunity for growth, focussing more on the process or "journey", rather than the outcome or "destination", is vital to building resilience, empathy, and catalysing change. 

So how can table top gaming support this narrative of embracing failure in the face of a culture of success-worship?

The joy of painting

Perhaps the most literal way in which table top gaming can break this negative association with losing is through the act of tangibly rewarding failure. Call of Cthulhu 7th Edition, for example, awards skill points for failed rolls. Your detective fails to pick a lock? No problem, they've learned from that mistake and grown as a character. With enough failed checks, you will find your character soon has the skills needed to battle the evil and save the world (or get swallowed by the abyss, it is CoC after all).

It's a Wonderful Kingdom - "I don't think I'll win this one..."

One Deck Dungeon, the rogue-like dungeon crawler, guarantees you loot, XP, or abilities even if you don't manage to slay the creature lurking behind the next door. Hey, you didn't come off great in that fight, but now you are stronger and wiser for it. Next time, they better watch themselves.

Each summer the perpetually outraged Telegraph readers of the world, unite to raise their blood pressure and bemoan how school sports days "festoon" the children with participation trophies and declare everyone a winner (I literally read these words when writing this article, and no I will not dignify the source with a link). Aside from the fact that I have never encountered schools that adopt this policy, I think it is important to note that again we see a tangible reward for failure. 

A note of your participation in the form of a sticker might not be what you wanted, but the world didn't end and you most likely end stronger than you started.

Well designed games can reward players in more abstract ways as well, so that by the time the final scores are counted up and you have come in dead last, you aren't weighed down with disappointment but are instead more knowledgeable about what you need to succeed, or joyous at the entertainment you received through the act of playing.

Colt Express is a perfect example of a game that is so infused with chaos and plans-gone-awry that failing is too distractingly hilarious to invoke any bitterness or resentment. Wingspan, likewise, is a game that allows players to bask in the enriching gameplay so that winning, while satisfying, does not consume the experience.

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work"

- Thomas Edison

As a parent of an only child, I bear the burden of teaching my daughter that she doesn't always get to win at games. Annoyingly, she's very good at so many of the games we play that after being trounced  at Kingdomino for the hundredth time, I decided it was time to take a different approach.

(Quick side note: Kingdomino is a perfect example of a game that you can become completely absorbed with the satisfying process of creating your perfect kingdom so that the victory points at the end almost feel like an optional extra)

Pulling Forbidden Island out, I sat her down and explained to her that cooperative games are a great way to learn how to lose. She was sceptical but had a great time even though our helipad sank beneath the sea before we were even half way through the treasure gathering. I think losing together at a game that was exciting to play, helped her appreciate that victory isn't everything. She ended the game understanding so much more about how to play it, and how to change her approach for next time.

Failure rewards us with knowledge and experience. It allows us to develop empathy and resilience, and table top games can be utilised to help realign our relationship with it.

So much of the research and conversation I have found about the importance of losing has been focussed around children, and I can understand why, their brains are all squishy and not yet formed and make for good test subjects. But what of the older, battle-scarred of us? We all suffer from failure and loss, but perhaps regular table top gaming in a safe and welcoming space can help us to better understand how to appreciate it as a learning experience.

What are your thoughts? Can you think of any games you have played which could help us re-establish a better relationship with failure? Or perhaps you disagree entirely with everything I've said and want to settle this over a game of Star Realms?