Dungeons & Dragons and Drinking

On 1st August this year I will be one year sober, and while a lot of my own hard work has gone into this achievement, I also recognise the role table top gaming has played in helping me make the change.

I was once a prolific drinker and even more so at social gatherings. Having a drink while playing TTRPGs seemed like the most natural thing to me. Alcohol is a social lubricant, and in a situation where you were required to lower inhibitions and get into character, or many characters if you are the GM, drinking felt like the obvious choice. For a long time I felt like having a drink, or several, while playing, kept me loose and relaxed. It made me feel like I was better at getting into the flow of the game and unleashed my creative side on the fly when responding to the actions of the player characters.

I used to pair my drinks with the games I was playing, not just TTRPGs but board games too. A glass of wine for Horrified, a strong grog with Pirate Borg, and a pint of foaming ale with Dungeons & Dragons. Each game seemed to offer an opportunity to have a drink. Table top gaming was a relaxing pastime so why not share it with a relaxing drink?

I have always had a difficult relationship with drinking and have struggled to keep things in moderation. I always used to say that drinking was thirsty work. One drink would lead to the next and while I was happy and enjoying myself, through gaming I slowly started to realise that my drinking was more of a problem than I realised.

I have discussed before the importance of GMs to take time to decompress after TTRPG sessions, even if they are fairly relaxed. On top of this, there is always something to be gained from seeking some reassurance from your players that they had enjoyed what you had planned. However, when I was drinking, regardless of how much fun was had during the session, I had trouble decompressing and trusting the feedback I was being given from my players. My decompression time would become a spiral of negative emotions as I doubted any evidence before me that I had been entertaining enough. I focused on any and all negative points that my brain could give me. The session was too boring, or I was too intense (usually as a result of my drinking). I found the time I needed to decompress and adjust back to normal life increased the more I had been drinking. Sometimes days would pass and I would still not feel like I had entirely processed the experience.

This emotional hangover was difficult to deal with, often on top of your more traditional hangover. Of course, with hindsight I realise that the solution was simple, but at the time I internalised a lot of the emotions I was struggling with. The extended periods of recovery I needed after each session had me believing that I was not a good GM, that my players were just humouring me, that I should hand over the reigns to someone else. Despite all this I still was unable to come to the conclusion that drinking and DMing was affecting the whole experience for me in massively negative ways.

In the end, however, it was GMing that helped me recognise that my problem was not with the game, or my abilities, but with my drinking. I was getting too generous with magical items for my players and not remembering who I had given what. I was handing out game-breaking spells and magical artifacts that were completely throwing planned encounters. While I don't mind that my players probably enjoyed these boons, it made things very difficult in an almost entirely home-brewed world when I could barely remember what had happened each session. It really made me feel like I could be offering my players a much better experience if I avoided drinking while playing.

There are few better examples than that which transpired recently during a game of Pirate Borg we experienced a character death at the hands of a Sentient Fungus. The killing blow was made and the table fell silent as it became clear that there was no coming back from this for Luca the Zealot, the team's Glass Cannon. It was a truly sobering moment, which was only stopped when Luca played his Charon's Obol allowing him to return to life with 1HP. What troubled me was that I had absolutely no memory of awarding him this relic. The player informed me that I had handed it out many sessions ago when I had been drinking.

Don't get me wrong, it was still a fantastic moment of collaborative story-telling, but it really highlighted to me how much of a problem it was for me to not be remembering our sessions, or even to take notes. This all took place after I had quit drinking but stayed with me as a reminder that I was a better GM now that I had stopped. Drinking was making me sloppy.

Tabletop games didn't just help me realise that I had a problem with drinking, they helped me readjust my life to accommodate my sobriety. Gaming sessions began to revolve around coffee and cake rather than drinking, and our regular meet ups at Fruitworks Coffee Shop became a staple of my week. I found my life shifting away from the pub and towards bright, open cafes instead. Where I used to use alcohol as a social lubricant, table top games began to provide me with the relaxed atmosphere and aid to meet new people. 

During the week when I wasn't able to play with a group, I invested more time into solo board games as a means of unwinding and relaxing, rather than pouring myself a drink. The almost meditative nature of solo gaming was a cornerstone of my mental wellbeing. Through playing games I was able to enter a flow-state where I was completely unconcerned by the outside world and my inner demons. They gave me a rest from thoughts of drinking, as the structure and puzzle-like element of these games kept my mind satisfyingly occupied. 

It has been a journey for me but looking back I can really appreciate the role that table top gaming has played in helping me reach sobriety and providing me with a safe space to continue. This is a personal story for me and I am not using it as a way of saying others should do the same. Drinking is not inherently evil, and most people will never experience the same problems as I did. I just wanted to share my experiences so that if anyone happens to find themselves in a similar position to me, they might gain some encouragement to make the necessary changes.